My darling daughter
by ilovgaara99
Summary: Spock and Jim are blessed with faternal twins. All is well, that is until an unfortunate incident seperates their family. Jim and Spock battle to find and keep their lost daughter, this is their story.
1. Chapter 1

A miracle it was, to give birth to not one but two children. Men, with advanced technology have been able to conceive since 2101, but given Spock's mixed heritage he was considered a mule in terms of repopulating. But here they were, holding two of the most beautiful babies Jim had ever seen. _Even if it was a little biased it was true thought Jim. _

"What should we name them?" asked Spock softly to his mate, his eyes full of wonder as he held his son, while Jim held their daughter. Spock was a little apprehensive about going through with the pregnancy when Jim brought it up. His body was not accustomed to carrying children, let alone Vulcan children with incredibly amazing strength. And the idea of the risky surgery that he had to go through just to be 'able' to conceive was enough to make Spock want to back out of their decision. But through all of the pain and worry they'd both gone through these last 10 months, Spock could easily say that it was well worth it.

"I've been thinking, of naming this little one" he gestured toward the sleeping miracle in his arms. "Amanda."

Jim smiled up at Spock from his biobed. The delivery was stressful on not just himself but the wonderful doctors of New Vulcan, along with his best friend Leonard McCoy. He was a crutch throughout the whole pregnancy. Jim really couldn't express his gratitude enough.

"_Just because you gave birth doesn't mean you can go all womany on me." He said with a full smile that could only be interpreted as. "You're welcome." He looked over at Spock and said, "You take good care of him, and take advantage of your time off, but not too much advantage."_

"_I will do my best to make sure that Jim is in the most comfortable condition, Thank you doctor." Spock said, choosing to ignore McCoy's innuendo. He too had grown to call the doctor his friend throughout the pregnancy; he had proven to be a most loyal friend and confidant. Spock could only phrase his acquaintance to the doctor by using the Terran term as 'Lucky' for having known him._

Spock looked down at Jim in awe.

"Jim, are you positive?"

"Of course, it would only be_ logical _to name her after the most important woman in your life." He used logical in a teasing tone. But Spock could only feel love and warmth through their bond as he said it. Spock squeezed Jim's hand and formed the _ozh'esta, _the Vulcan form of a kiss.

"So, I named Amanda, what should we name him?" Jim asked breaking the comfortable silence.

"The only _Logical _name that I could think of," he said, throwing the teasing words back at him. "Would be Leonard, as he is the first person you ever considered to be a friend."

Jim's eyes started to moisten, silently cursing the hormones that Bones had to inject into him.

"That sounds perfect. Leonard Sarek Spock." He whispered.

"And Amanda Winona Spock." Spock finished.

It had only been two hours since the delivery and the children were released to their parents. Sarek and Spock Prime had both gone home after giving their congratulations to the new parents. Jim could see the sadness in Spock Prime's eyes. He had out lived his Jim _and_ his children, as they were only a quarter Vulcan. Jim gave Spock Prime a small smile which was returned with a small nod of the head.

Spock could feel that his bondmate was exhausted. He placed Leonard in his nursery and reached for Amanda when Jim stopped him. "Stay with me?" he asked.

Spock took Amanda laid her in her nursery and moved to kiss Jim on the forehead. "I would rather be nowhere else but at your side Th'y'la." He whispered as hr slipped into the biobed. Spock wrapped his arms around Jim and rested his chin atop his head.

"We did it Spock." Said Jim.

"Yes Jim, and you were beautiful through it all."

Jim's cheeks turned a violent red as his hummed his reply. A comforting silence filled the room once more as Jim began to drift into sleep when he was with with a sudden realization.

"Uh Spock….how are we going to feed them?"


	2. Chapter 2

_**Now, I know I have taken a while. And I apologize. I just didn't want to update unless I felt good about what I was putting out there. This chapter doesn't really reach the plot yet, I just want you to understand something before we get there. You will know what that is soon. Enjoy, No flames but constructive criticism is most welcome.-Ilovgaara99**_

* * *

Jim sighed heavily as he rocked Leonard in his arms. Leo had been fussing all night with no sign of calming down. As soon as it seemed like he was dozing off, Amanda would cry out and Leo would wake right back up. It was like she was doing this on purpose because as soon as Leo started crying again, Amanda would fall back asleep.

"You're going to kill Daddy Mandy." Jim whispered toward his sleeping daughter.

"How illogical." came the voice of his bondmate. "That you would think our two month old daughter could possibly do you any harm, much less kill you."

Jim turned to look at Spock with a sleepy gaze.

"Hey babe." He said with a sleepy smile.

Spock lifted an eyebrow to Jim's endearment, he didn't use it often, and when he did it meant he was exhausted.

Spock walked over to Jim until they were just centimeters apart. Leo seemed to calm down a little at the new warmth from his father as Spock held up the baby bottle.

"Ah, Bones is a life saver." Said Jim sleepily as he slipped Leo into the half Vulcan's arms

"Indeed. But it would also make for a productive endeavor if we were not to run out of formula and wait until 0200 hours to call on the doctor for a new batch for he said, and I quote, 'If you bastards think that you can name me godfather then use me whenever you please, I will gladly shove this baby bottle up your rear!'" He said with his in failing stoic face.

Jim had to contain his laughter; Spock using normal people speak has and always will amuse the hell out of him.

"Good ol' Bones; got to love him."

Dr. McCoy had stuck to his word when he promised to help out. Even if he did so while mumbling swear words under his breath. The solution as to how they would feed the children was simple. Formula, it's been used for centuries, but also they had to compensate for the nutrients that were needed for Vulcan children.

Spock wasn't breastfed either, seeing as how his mother was human and her milk didn't carry any of the essential nutrients he needed.

So they called Sarek who talked to Dr. McCoy, who spent the first week of their twin's lives losing sleep over perfecting the formula. They could only live off of regular formula for so long. Yet again they were indebted to the good doctor. Even though Spock would never actually say it out loud, Leonard knew.

The new parents had made their way toward their bedroom with Leo in one of Spock's arms and his other wrapped around Jim. Spock had seen many questionable things, things he never knew were possible and yet he was shocked when he looked up from the baby to see his mate fast asleep.

While standing up.

He removed the bottle from Leonard's mouth once he knew he had fallen asleep. Spock's insides warmed to see his son still attempting to suck at the non-existent baby bottle.

It was beautiful.

He laid Jim down at his side as he settled their son in-between them and covered his husband and child with the Starfleet regulation covers. Jim shifted, but other than that he was fast asleep.

The Vulcan ran his fingers through his soul mates sandy blonde hair and received a delightful 'Hmm' from him.

Taking in a deep breath, Spock focused on the presence of his daughter's steady soft breathing in her crib in the living area, the rising and falling rhythm of his son's chest as he closed his eyes.

With the feeling of Jim's soft hair between his fingers, he fell asleep.

* * *

**_FOUR MONTHS LATER_**

* * *

"Sulu, how much longer till we reach Veaita Kann?" asked an impatient Captain as he strummed his fingers over the armrest of his chair.

The whole bridge crew was antsy, Amanda had slowly been learning to crawl, and with all of the enterprise taking turns watching over them, everyone felt the need to be there for all of their firsts.

First crawl, first steps, first words. Of course, everyone has tried to get them to say their own names as their first words. Although their ability to learn is much faster than the average human, it is too soon to expect them to form words. Jim was skeptical about how much of their Vulcan heritage the children would inherit.

James loved Spock more than simple English words could describe; he knew that through his Vulcan stoicism, his mate's love burnt bright as well.

But that was the work of a remarkable mother; Spock's mother. The Captain had no clue how to raise regular children, let alone Vulcan hybrids. With James being an emotional human, he didn't think he could take having emotionless children, not be able to hug or kiss or sing to them, even though Spock assured him that their Vulcan blood would not deter them from having the emotional bond with their 'mother' like he did when he was a child.

Jim was overjoyed when he found out that they would be quarter Vulcan, the best of both worlds, the brains, looks, and skill of their Vulcan father. And the compassion and stubbornness of their Terran father/mother?

Argue as Spock may, Jim still thinks that stubbornness is an agreeable quality in a leader. (Sometimes)

"Approximately 18 hours sir." replied an equally excited Hikaru. Everyone wanted to be there to see the kids crawl.

"Good man Sulu, ok now would anyone mind if I abused my leadership role and spent some time with my babies?" Jim asked expectantly; looking around the room for objections Kirk found only accepting smiles and slight nods from the more cool people (Sulu).

"Alright then, Chekov!" called out the Captain.

"Yes Syer?" replied the 19 year old navigator.

"I think it's about time you learned how to manage a leadership position." Kirk said cheekily, loving the pale look on the ensign's face. Everyone on the bridge stopped moving, breathing, even blinking. Chekov had never taken the Conn before in a non emergency situation, never given an order; he wasn't even a lieutenant yet.

"S-Syer? You vant me to take zee konn? But Vhy? I am not practized. Vhat if I do Bhadly?" Chekov looked like he was about to pee his pants if he hadn't already.

"Are you denying a direct order ensign?" Kirk knew that was harsh, but the only way Pavel was going to accept this role was if he felt it was his duty.

"Nyet! I am perfectly capable of handling zee konn." said a now steadier Navigator.

"Well then, hop to it. And I expect you all to stop by and say goodnight to the kids, they won't be able to sleep unless you do." He addressed the bridge. Kirk gave Chekov a nod and headed toward the turbo lift. But not before glancing back to see the teenager ease into the captain's chair and smooth out the arm rests.

Kirk smiled to himself, yeah, the kid was going to do just fine.

Jim tapped his foot impatiently while waiting for the turbo lift to read his section. He just wanted to kiss his children, hug his husband and relax. Nothing was better than the moments they shared together and maybe the late night drunkenness with Bones, but that's totally different.

With a swish, the door opened to reveal… a naked baby; which wasn't surprising.

It was Amanda, on her side chewing on a rattle while drooling all over the carpet cooing. She was known for wiggling out of her clothes and diaper and rolling far away from them.

Jim smiled down at her, and as soon as she noticed, her eyes widened and he was graced with a toothless grin, gums all wet and boogers galore. She turned her head to the side the way she always does when she wants to let Jim know that she wanted to be carried, and with a face like that who was he to deny her?

"Hello Mandy bear, how are you doing? Are you enjoying the rattle? What's it taste like? Plastic? Hmmm, must be an acquired taste."

All the doting father got in return was a boogery coo. And that seemed to be enough for him. Hoisting his butt naked baby onto his chest he set out in search for his bondmate.

"Where's Daddy Mandy? Did you lose him?" asked Kirk.

His question was answered with a slobbery raspberry. "Pfft."

"Uh huh, tell me more."

"Jim, are you mocking our daughter?" called a voice from behind.

James turned around to find the other half of his soul gently burping Leo on the couch with an upturned eyebrow.

"Me? No, I was merely trying to strike up a conversation with our intellectually advanced daughter." He replied in a serious tone. "You said yourself I should try talking to them more often." He finished as he plopped himself on the couch next to Spock.

"I meant though your fatherly bond, not for your own amusement."

"Potato, tomato." replied Kirk resting his head on Spock's shoulder.

Jim hummed in contentment as the Vulcan kissed the top of his head.

"How was your day?" asked Spock in a soothing tone, already knowing how his day went from their connection, yet wanting to ask to let Jim know that he cared about the big and little things that went on in his life.

"Same old same o… Ewww." Exclaimed Jim disgustedly. He had only just realized that Amanda drooled down his neck. It was warm and slimy. "I can't tell if this is cute or just plain gross."

"Coo." answered Mandy.

"Considering it happened to you and not me, I would say that it was quite adorable." answered Spock smartly; smiling his Vulcan (there but not really) smile down at Jim.

"Hardy har, I'm gonna go wash this slime off and get Mandy into a diaper. Why was she naked and on the floor anyway?"

"I was watching her start to crawl when Leo started to cry out in hunger, so I laid her in-between two pillows to contain her, but seeing as she is nearly 70% Kirk I should have adjusted for a prison break." replied Spock as he followed Jim into the living room, feeling the new found extra weight of Leo's Diaper.

Jim laughed with a contented smile on his face. Then his smile faded when he was reminded of his earlier thoughts.

"Here you take Amanda; I want to hold Leonard for a bit." He said, placing Mandy on the changing table and reaching for his son.

Spock knew what was bothering Jim. Amanda had already begun the shaking her butt back and forth in attempts to start crawling stage. While each attempt failed miserably with her face planting into the carpet, but she still kept trying. Meanwhile Leo didn't seem to be moving towards anything. All he did was lie there and coo. He barely fussed unless he was startled, hungry, in need of a change or in pain. He was never a bother, and he always seemed like he was looking at something. Like someone was there and he was staring at it, but when Jim looked towards his eye line, he found nothing.

He had spoken to Bones earlier that morning and he said that it looked like it might be signs of autism. But it is still too early to tell. While autism is manageable, it isn't totally curable, leaving the child with some sort of; (big or small) disability. And it breaks Jim's heart to know that his son might one day feel as if he's in the shadow of his physically advanced sister.

Jim changed Leonard in a haze, tears fogging his vision. He brought Leo up to his chest and held him tight as he silently wept. He could feel the contentment radiating off of Leo. He felt safe and loved in his father's arms. Jim could feel the rush of thoughts in his head, autistic children have advanced minds. This was the only time Jim wished for normalcy for his child.

He vaguely felt Spock take Leo from him and all he wanted to do was argue and try to get his baby back. But he was too distraught, he felt as if this was all his fault. He could have done something to prevent this. He could have eaten exactly was the doctor had ordered, been more strict on reducing stress, more breathing exercises maybe, anything.

He felt the familiar feel of his bond mate's hand wrap around his and lead him out of the room. Spock sat Jim onto the couch and just held him. He could tell him that this wasn't his fault; he could tell him that everything was going to be ok. But he knew Jim would never believe him.

"Jim." called Spock, shaking the Captain out of his haze.

"Jim." Spock said with more force.

"S-Spock. It's me, my fault. My baby is… my baby. He…" Jim forced out through his sobs.

"Jim." Spock commanded his mate's attention. And he got it. A startled Jim turned his head towards Spock though clouded eyes.

"There is nothing you could have possibly done to prevent this. We do not even know if Leonard _is_ autistic. And if he is would you love him even less than if he was like Amanda?" asked Spock knowing full well that is inquiry would catch Jim's attention.

The captain shot up. "Of course not, how could you even think that?" he yelled, before realizing what Spock had meant to do.

"Oh." said James stupidly. The Vulcan just nodded as he returned his arms back to their previous position.

"Perhaps he is not autistic, perhaps he is merely more human than we realized and is advancing towards the stages set out for an infant at the pace of a human. Perhaps a little slower." suggested Spock, more to convince himself than Jim. He too had concerns about his son's well being. Spock's heart was made up of three pieces, Leo, Mandy, and Jim.

When Mandy fell ill and cried from the pain, Spock felt it and wanted to cry along with her. He wanted to hold his family and never let go, and to think that one of his children might be at more of a disadvantage than he was as a child, and that he might be ridiculed for it by his peers, Spock couldn't bear the thought.

"Maybe," said Kirk slowly "I mean I felt his mind and it's blooming with imagination and thought. Maybe he's more of a thinker than a doer like Mandy. I mean her mind isn't nearly as advanced as his."

"Hmm." contemplated Spock. Jim did have a point. "We cannot know for sure until his mind progresses more and creates a full bond with us. But I assure you Jim, no matter what the outcome, it will not change anything." He said with full certainty.

"I know." sighed Kirk. "Let's not talk about this right now. Have you eaten yet? 'Cause I'm starving." He said; his mouth forming into a 'change of subject please' smile.

"Negative. If you would set the dining area I will procure us our meal. What would you like T'hy'la?" asked Spock while gently releasing Jim from his hold.

"Surprise me." Said Jim with the smile that Spock swore he would protect in their wedding vows.

The day went on with little incident. Leo and Mandy have recently started sleeping though the night, letting Jim and Spock just sit back and relax. Though it took everything Jim had not to wake his children up again so he could spend more time with them. It wasn't usual for Jim to spend this much time with his family with no interruption.

He loved this, coming back to their quarters on days when he could get out of duty early, when Spock didn't need to be at the labs at all hours of the night. He sought out days where they could just be a family, no guilt of an ensign's death hanging over their heads, no mounds of paperwork, no impending doom, and killer kilngons. Just Jim, Spock and their babies.

If only it could be this way forever.

* * *

Stay tuned.


	3. Chapter 3

_**It has been a very long time since I have updated, and I have no propper excuce to give you. So with here ya go :) Ps. if you find grammatical errors please tell me :P I'm not perfect. Flames are a no no, but critique is welcome. **_

* * *

"Should we even bother getting them anything?" asked a reluctant Jim. "It's not like they'll even remember. And besides, the entire bridge crew had already planned on buying them gifts, anything more would really just spoil them."

"I hadn't planned on making the first anniversary of their birth much of a spectacle. As you so logically stated, their long term memory will not become active until their third year." replied the Vulcan.

"Yet." he started hesitantly. Jims head tilted, his curiosity peaking.

"Yet what?" he asked with curiosity as he sat up from his comfortable position sprawled across spokes chest to look his bond mate in the eye. "You can tell me."

"When we were last on New Vulcan I came across an…antique store if you will. Many Federation planets offered to return exported Vulcan goods back to the Vulcan society as a way to help us keep what is left of our culture."

"Wow, that's very nice of them." said Jim with a surprised tone of respect.

"Indeed." Spock agreed.

"While I was at the shop I found a handmade journal traditionally given to Vulcan females. The craftsmanship that went into this journal was extraordinary; even if such journals were still common objects." he said, absently stroking Jim's wrist. "I remember when I was a child, the females would all gather around to marvel at T'Pring's journal. Her mother made it while she was expecting. And although pride is illogical and has no place in Vulcan society, I could see it in her eyes that she was proud that her mother had made such a beautiful journal, and that she was in possession of it."

"So you got it? For Amanda?" the Captain asked excitedly.

"Yes Jim, I did. Except I do not expect for her to have any use for it for some time, journals are traditionally given to the female on the day they are born. I would like for her to familiarize herself with the journal and one day find it to be a helpful outlet and alternative way of expressing her emotions."

"Spock." Jim admonished. "I thought we talked about this." Jim's brows knotted.

"Yes we have Jim, and I stand by what I said. Amanda seems to be less Vulcan than we had originally assumed, and therefore should not be chastised for her more human mannerisms." he softly replied, in hopes to calm his captain down. "That aside, she still is part Vulcan, and as you know Vulcans feel stronger and deeper than humans do. Amanda is still a child and her emotional outbursts are natural for now. When she becomes older she cannot allow her anger to control her. I only bought the journal with her best interests at heart."

Jim's eyes softened. "I know you did Spock. And I know you would never judge her in anyway. Sorry I freaked."

"Apologies are illogical Jim." He replied moving his hand to cradle the back of Jim's head and softly guided him back to the position he recently occupied on Spock's chest.

"So are you going to give it to her now?"

"Even though the act of gift giving at such young age is illogical as we have both previously stated. I am sure Amanda would thoroughly enjoy unwrapping any gift." Jim snorted.

"Ha! Yeah any excuse to tear stuff up." Amanda had become quite a chewer. Teething aside she loved to break and mangle stuff. It was adorable, not vicious. Not yet at least. The only stuffed animal that she wasn't able to slaughter was the stuffed native Orion bird that one of the engineers had bought her. Orion silk, although smooth, was tough as nails.

Raising children on a federation ship took much planning, sacrifice and loopholes.

And their sacrifice was a big one. According to the rules, the Captain is supposed to stay aboard the ship during all hostile missions. And to that Jim says 'pfft'. But since he became a father, he had to think about not only what would happen to him, but what would happen to his children if both of their parents died. He couldn't put them through that. So Jim had opted that until they had been 100 percent sure that the uncharted planted had been cleared of danger; the Captain and First officer would take turns beaming down. That means no more doubling up on missions, no more watching out for each other, and most importantly; making sure that their children weren't orphaned.

No children have ever been raised on a fleet ship at such a young age before. Spock and Jim had to plan for caregivers way ahead of time. And Even if they found the perfect person to take care of the twins, Jim wasn't allowed to modify their work schedule to fit his personal needs. Captain or not.

Jim wasn't allowed to modify their schedules, but that doesn't mean they can't volunteer to switch their shifts with someone else. Lieutenant gale offered to switch with Cadet Riley. And lieutenant Uhura switched her nights off with Jim so that he and Spock could have a moment of peace. Multiple people came up offering to take on odd hours just to help out with the twins. Jim couldn't take them all up on their offers due to the fact that he only personally knew a handful of them. The sentiment still screamed put one thing. "We love our captain and our First."

* * *

It was still a few days till the twins' birthday when a distress call from Li'tpe, one of the newest federation planets came in. Klingon war birds had ambushed their patrol ships and the Klingons have beamed down to the planet. So far thirty children 12 teenagers and 15 adults have gone missing. There was talk of a Klingon slave trade and that the Li'tpes were valued slaves. They didn't need much food to sustain them; they withstood harsher living situations and are naturally well built and muscular. All of these would make them prime candidates for slavery. And since the USS Enterprise NCC-1701 was one of the nearest ships, they of course were called to action.

The turbo lift suddenly opened as the captain made his way onto the bridge.

"Commander Spock report." demanded the Captain.

"We are at maximum warp captain and should expect to reach Li'tpe within 10 hours. Our sensors have picked up that The USS Liberty and the USS Nagrath are not too far behind"

Kirk sighed a heavy sigh."That's not fast enough; we'll never make it In time." Jim thought about all of those people forced from their homes and families.

'_They must be so scared.' _

"Fortunately Captain so far no blood as been spilt. So there may be a chance for negotiation, they might return the civilians in exchange for something the Klingons find of value." replied his first.

"Wait, how the hell did they kidnap these people without hurting others in the process?" asked a wide eyed Jim.

"According to the report, all 57 civilians were beamed up from their Beds in the middle of the night. The Klingons that beamed onto the planet were just a diversion. They never opened fire; they just stood there to draw attention away from the missing people."

"That makes no sense, how did they know the exact coordinates of those civilians, isn't Li'tpe known for having a shield that deflects that type of technology?" Jim could not shake the feeling that there was something really underhanded going on, be he had no idea what.

"Hey Spock." Jim called out.

"Yes captain?" asked Spock.

"Is there any connection between the kidnapped victims? Were they related, or part of some sort of anti Klingon group or something?"

"I too have come across that theory and aside from their general residence there was nothing significant that tied them together."

One more heavy sigh was heard from the captain. Spock discreetly made his way to the Captain's chair and stood 8 inches away from the armrest. Not showing any public affection, just letting his bond mate know that he was there for him. And for that Jim was thankful.

"Wait a minute, Uhura, weren't you here on alpha shift?" asked an incredulous Jim.

Nyota hesitated. "Well yes, but lieutenant burns was admitted to sick bay for appendicitis and asked if I could cover her shift."

"Yeah, but her shift already ended why are you still here? Are you telling me that you finished your shift, took up burns' shift and are now here planning on starting on your original shift? Damn woman that's 18 hours!" exclaimed the captain with much enthusiasm. Uhura sent Cadet Lin a glare when he struggled to contain his laughter.

"It's really not a problem. I promised c-."

"Ahhhh-aahhhh." started Jim as if he were about to sneeze. Spock raised an eyebrow in interest.

"Ahhhhh get out." He commanded.

"But sir-"started Uhura ready to defend herself with arguments of 'I'm fine really' and 'Oh this is nothing.'

"Ahhhhh get out." He repeated.

"Captain…"

"GTFO woman!" exclaimed Jim.

"Captain?"

"I'll explain later Spock." said Jim as Uhura made her way across to bridge and toward the turbo lift. She gave the captain an appreciative smile as the doors shut.

* * *

"Ah, home sweet home. That shift was horrendous. And here in three hours we're gonna be bombarded by Klingon on war birds. Yippee." Jim stated sarcastically as he flopped onto the bed, toed his shoes off and claimed the entire mattress as his own.

Jim got a little curious when Spock didn't reply. He was standing at the foot of the bed looking like he was thinking hard about something.

"You ok Spock?" the Vulcan's focus never wavered.

Jim cautiously made his way off the bed and walked over to his first. He slipped a hand into the Vulcan's and repeated.

"Spock you ok?"

Jim was relieved when that seemed to do the trick and pulled the raven haired man out of his trance. And as if nothing had happened Spock turned his head toward him and asked. " Yes Jim?"

"Jesus Spock, you scared the shit out of me. Why the hell didn't you answer me?"

"Jim, there is no conceivable way that my actions could illicit any form of fear that would allow you to release your bowls." replied the purposefully obtuse Vulcan.

"Oh shut up Spock you know what I meant." smiled Jim. "But seriously, what happened? It looked like you were in a trance or something."

"I have been- distracted Jim. I believe my mental bond with the children has finally formed. I cannot yet access their Minds without a meld, but I can sense their emotions. Right now they know that is currently bringing them to our quarters and they are excited to see us. "

"Oh really?" asked a slightly jealous bondmate. Spock opened his mouth to try and make Jim feel better about the fact that he will never have a connection with the twins like Spock will. But Jim stopped him. It was established after they realized how lucky they were that Spock could even communicate with Jim through their minds. Humans are rarely so lucky.

"Don't worry Spock I'll get over it. I'm just miffed. But truly I am happy that the bond has finally kicked in. No wonder you looked to distant during our shift." Jim smiled and stood on his toes as far as he could; waiting for Spock to lean down and give him what he wanted. With a raised brow that said 'Oh really?' Spock tilted his head towards Jim and rested his lips against his Bondmate's.

And then the door buzzed.

"Its open" called out Jim.

They heard a slight struggle outside of the door. They could only imagine Sulu trying to maneuver two toddlers and try to open the door. But he eventually got it.

"Lucy I'm home!" Sulu called out.

"Waaa!" replied Jim.

And before Spock could even raise his eye brow Jim said, "I'll tell you later." He smiled and led Spock by the hand to their living quarters.

At the very sight of their parents Leonard and Amanda started squealing and reaching out to them. With a bright smile and unabashed enthusiasm, Jim took Leonard from Sulu and plopped a huge kiss on the top of Amanda's head. Completely ignoring Sulu James started showering Leo with kisses and blowing raspberries on his neck which resulted in childish squealing, from both son and father.

Spock inwardly sighed at Jim's childish behavior; picked up Amanda from Sulu's embrace and softly thanked him for looking after their children and all of his hard work up until this point.

"I apologize on behalf of the Captain, his manners seem to have how you humans say 'flown out the window?'" said Spock in mock distaste.

Hikaru laughed.

"It is completely ok. I would understand throwing all other cares in the world out of the 'window' when I have two gorgeous babied to come home to."

"Huh?" asked Jim, finally removing himself from blowing on Leonard's stomach. "Oh right yeah, thanks Sulu you a life saver." And before the pilot could reply Jim went back to nibbling on any exposed flesh he could find.

Hikaru just smiled, said his goodbyes and made his way out the door.

"And how are you Mandy? Were you good for Mr. Sulu?" asked Jim as he leaned towards Spock and their daughter. She just replied with unintelligible gibberish and a few mouth bubbles.

"I freaking love you." Jim said with his whole heart. "All right, let's get them fed and settled into bed. We have some people to rescue."

Spock didn't reply, he just carded his fingers through Leonard's unruly hair content to stay that way forever.

"Hey Spock, what are they feeling?" Jim curiously whispered

"They feel happiness…safety, and love; for you and me and for each other." Spock sighed softly through his nose. "I never knew our children had such profound feelings. I never knew they had such feelings for us."

Jim knew what Spock meant by that. He meant he didn't know they had such profound feelings for him. Spock had spent the last year worried that their children would be put off by his rigid emotional behavior. But from the l looks of it, there was no way they could love him anymore. Jim wasn't jealous anymore. If there could be only one parent with the mental connection, he was glad it was Spock. He needed it more than Jim did.

Later that day when Jim and Spock sat down for their evening meal with Amanda and Leonard in their arms respectively Spock brought up a topic that had been bothering him all day.

"Jim." said Spock breaking their comfortable silence.

"Yeah?"

"GTFO?" asked Spock.

Captain Kirk busted out laughing.

* * *

Sparks were flying everywhere, bodies were dropping. Where the hell was their back up? Chaos came from every which end. They weren't expecting the Klingons to anticipate their arrival. Countless war birds came in out of nowhere and mercilessly started attacking the Enterprise. There was no use in negotiating; the Klingon's minds were apparently made up. Countless cadets dead many more injured. Captain Kirk had no choice but to issue a complete evacuation of the ship. All their hard work for naught.

"Spock!" yelled out Jim, desperately trying to hand on to the control panel slowly making his way to his husband.

"Spock, go find the twins! They're with Bones!" he said finally making it to his injured but very alive bondmate. Hazed and confused from the impact to his head Spock shook his head.

"I am not leaving you T'hy'la. I will not leave you here, you promised me this. You- Jim. You promised." Jim knew what he meant by this. When they had first gotten together, still in the shy dating stage; Spock made him promise that he would never sacrifice himself the way his father, George Kirk did. And even though they both knew he didn't mean it, Jim promised, and sealed it with a kiss.

"I know baby, I know." Jim said, his tears blurring his vision. "I promised a lot of things Spock. But…"

"Come with me Jim." Spock pleaded in the evacuated bridge. "Please, for Leonard and Amanda." _'For me'_ he whispered into their minds. He held on to Jim for dear life, afraid to let go. Jim just shook his head.

"You know I can't, not until everyone is safely off the ship. You know that." He said with raw emotion. Then he grabbed his first by his collar and kissed him like they had never kissed before. In that five second kiss Kirk and Spock said everything and nothing all at the same time. Memorizing their lips, scent, feel taste. Everything they could hold on to. They let go panting.

"Go." Kirk whispered. "I will follow you." Spock still had yet to move.

"Go!" Kirk pleaded.

Spock let go of Jim with such reluctance and ran to the turbo life. With one glance back at the greatest man he had ever known; Spock left half of his heart behind.

Their thoughts whispered words that didn't need to be spoken. You don't need to tell someone something they already know to be true.

'_I love you.'_

Spock ran to Doctor McCoy and his children. Thoughts crept up that Spock didn't allow himself to think. '_What if it was already too late?' _He knew that Leonard was supposed to be looking after them in their quarters, but if he knew anything about the doctor he knew that he would do everything in his power to help the people of this ship. So in good conscious, Spock knew the doctor would have taken the kids to sick bay.

At full speed Spock busted into sick bay and skidded to a halt when he found the doctor attending to his son's wounds.

"Spock! Thank god! He's fine, he's fine." He assured his first officer after seeing the shocked look on his face. Spock ran up to Leonard to see for himself. Minor bruising and one gash that the doctor seemed to be handling. Amanda was at the food of the bio-bed crying out of fright. Spock quickly picked her up and assessed her physical state, thankfully no injuries.

"Doctor we must go, we have little time."

"Right behind ya Spock." He agreed as he grabbed little Leonard.

McCoy knitted his eyebrows as he followed Spock to the emergency shuttles.

"Where's Jim?" asked the doctor hysterically.

"We must keep going Doctor." replied a distraught Spock.

"Spock!" yelled McCoy, scaring the children even more. "Where is Jim?"

Spock turned around looked him in the eyes and said "Doctor." with authority and immense sadness. And the doctor knew.

"God damn it Jim." Said Doctor McCoy with down cast eyes. And he picked up his pace, with little Leonard latched onto his neck scared out of his wits. They made it to the emergency pods, thank fully many were taken, which means that most of the crew got out alive. And with that thought the ship shook horribly. Amanda cried out.

"Spock, all that are left are the single pods. There's no room for you to take both of them. Let me take Leonard." He said with a little authority of his own.

Spock looked at a loss for words. He didn't want to leave the lives of one of his children in the hands of someone else, not at a time like this, even though he trusted the doctor. But he was right, they had no choice, Leonard had to go with McCoy. He gripped Amanda tight and looked the Doctor square in the eyes, letting him know that he trusted him with his most valued possession. They parted ways but not before he gave his son one last glance. He would never forgive McCoy if anything ever happened to Leonard. No matter how illogical that may be. Spock climbed into the evac pod with the still hysterical Amanda in his arms. It was a tight fit but he was able to rest her between his legs as he set the controls for the pod. The ship jolted one more time and rocked even more fear into Amanda. Finally the pod was ejected into space and Spock set a course for Li'tpe, the very last place he wanted to be at that moment. But it was much better than the alternative. When they finally got out into space Spock could finally see the full extent of the damage the Klingons had inflicted upon them. It was mortifying. This had been his home for so long and yet again it was gone in a blink of an eye. Spock tried not to focus on the enterprise while there were Klingons shooting at their evac pod. His head was still throbbing and Amanda's screams weren't helping at all. He dodged so many attacks and missiles. But the throbbing got worse and worse until he couldn't see any more. He tried to shake it off; he tried to focus, for Amanda, for Leonard. For Jim. And just when he could see the surface of the planet, just when he thought they were finally safe, the side of their Pod was hit. The impact jolted his brain into overdrive. The manual controls had shut down, everything went dark. The only thing Spock could see was the planet that was getting bigger and bigger as he braced them for impact. He wrapped his arms around his daughter and tried to shield her body with his from whatever may come. The last thought he had before impact was.

"_I'm sorry Jim." _

* * *

**Entry 1 Day 47**

_I will never forgive myself, I will never forget._ The first sound I could hear was your brother's crying_. I will never forget._ The first sight I saw was the unforgiving light in the sick bay of the USS Liberty. _I will never forgive._ The pain in my head had subsided; I must have fallen into a Vulcan healing trance. Never forget, never. Spock, Spock your father called out to me_. I will never forget_ the voice of the broken man. _Never._

"Spock." Jim sobbed, "Please wake up. Please." He begged. Why was he begging? This man should _never_ beg. _Never forget, never forgive._ I opened my eyes to see that his were swollen and red, I had deduced from excessive crying. He was alive, he was next to me and he was alive. Why was he sad, why was this beautiful man sad? He was alive. _Never forgive. _Relief spread through Jim's face. He let out a shuddering laugh. But it was over too quickly. And all at once the harsh reality came flooding in all at once. Leonard, the ship, Jim… You. My eyes were stricken with fear. I looked into my T'hy'la's eyes, silently pleading for anything but what I had known to be true.

"Spock. Your Pod." He said with fresh tears forming at his eyes.

"No." I whispered. "No, No." I said as I tried to get up, I tried to focus. Cold hands pushed me back down against the foreign bio bed. Our sick bay was much more efficient, our sick bay, in our ship. with our daughter, our daughter.

"Spock please calm down. You're going to open up your stitches." Said a worried Jim.

Stitches? I finally allowed myself to look down. Stitches. I had burn marks all across my arms, they were healing quickly that much was to be expected, and I could feel the stitches across my abdomen and inner thighs. I shook my head violently from left to right to left again. I will never forget it.

"No, No. I can feel her. In here." I whispered, pointing towards my head. "She is scared." I said "She needs me."

"No, Spock. She-she didn't' make it, the Pod was set aflame when we found it. You were on the brink of death." I kept shaking my head. "Spock, Spock." Jim grabbed me roughly to get my attention. "Spock she's gone. Please." He begged me, he pleaded. But I wanted to plead with him. I wanted him to go out and to find you, to listen to me when I said that I could still feel you in my mind, your fear, your pain. _Never forgive._ All of a sudden I heard screaming coming from one of the patients in the sick bay. I couldn't run away from the screaming and the pain.

"Spock look at me, it wasn't your fault." He vehemently said. "It wasn't, there wasn't anything you could do." He was now sobbing so hard he couldn't breathe. But I didn't care what he had to say. I wanted the screaming to stop. _I will never forgive_. Jim leaned over me and tried to sooth me. Why was he soothing me? He should stop the screaming.

But he was trying to.

The screaming was coming from me.

_**Amanda, I will never forgive myself for losing you. And I will never forget you. Please be safe. **_


	4. Chapter 4

This chapter is not very long, but it fills in some of the gaps that I left out before I think. Think of it as a teaser while I move the plot along. If you find grammatical errors please let me know. Enjoy.

* * *

When Jim made it off the ship he thought that all was well, that Spock, Bones, the kids and the crew had made it out safely. But when his pod landed, he saw it, the smoke, the fire, the burning pod. He knew, in his gut he just knew that it was Spock's pod. Spock's body had been found over One-Hundred feet from the crash site; it was a miracle that he even survived. After getting Spock to safety Kirk and many of the Enterprise crew spent hours searching for Amanda and Leonard, for any trace of them. But from the looks of it, their bodies burned up on impact.

The only thing Jim could find himself thankful for at the time was that their death came quickly. There was no pain involved.

That's when he heard it, Leo's cries, his babies were safe! They were ok!

"Bones! Bones!" Cried Jim when he realized who was carrying Leo. The Captain ran faster than he had ever run in his life. Leonard's arms were out stretched towards him with blood shot eyes. Kirk scooped up his son with a lighter heart and held him tight, relieved and crying with joy. He checked Leo for any injuries, just a couple scrapes and bruises, nothing too serious. He looked to the good Doctor with a hopeful smile.

"Where's Amanda? Is she ok?"

Doctor McCoy looked at his Captain confused.

"S-She's not with me Jim, she went with Spock. The pods were too small for the both of them to fit." Replied Leonard slowly.

Jim's eyes widened, the tears of joy quickly turned into tears of a broken heart. He couldn't hear anything, he couldn't see. Everything was blurry. He felt someone take Leo from him. He wanted to scream out in agony, he wanted them to give him his son back. But he couldn't bring his body to make a sound. He just fell to his knees in anguish. So she really was gone. The universe had brought his hope back when he found Leonard, only to have the carpet swiftly swiped from under him.

After what seemed like hours, James Tiberius Kirk stood up with a crazed look in his eyes. He vaguely remembered barking orders at his subordinates. He told them that their only objective was to find Amanda. He got Leo back, he will find her as well. Every hour or so Kirk would check in with med bay to assess His mate's condition and every time they said the same thing. 'Stable'. What the hell does that mean anyway. Stable, couldn't anyone give him a straight answer?

Nine hours of searching later the crew of the Enterprise still had no good news to offer their Captain. When he realized that the search was futile, and that if Amanda wasn't in the pod the only way they would find her was in pieces all over the planet, Jim heart collapsed, wracked with guilt and shame. He wasn't able to save his child, his Mandy. He could still remember what she smelled like, what her burps sounded like. He remembered what she wore that day vividly.

Shakily Jim made his was to med bay where Bones held Leo safely in his arms. He took his sleeping child into his arms and went to go sit by his husband. Spock was in a Vulcan healing trance, recovering from the horrific injuries. Jim sat there silently watching over the remaining members of his broken family.

* * *

It has been 58 days since the Captain and his first officer lost their daughter along with 221 crew members. The Li'tpe incident is still under investigation, no one is sure what happened exactly. The USS Liberty had not been notified about the hostile attack on Li'tpe until it was too late. That means that someone had been negligent and had cost hundreds of Starfleet lives. Someone was responsible for all of this but no one was fessing up.

The first three days since Spock woke up he refused to speak, he didn't eat or sleep. He spent his days meditating, trying to calm his heart of the soul wrenching pain that came with losing a child. Ambassador Sarek departed for the USS Liberty as soon as he heard of the news. He tried his best to get through to his son, but nothing seemed to work. He eventually had to offer his condolences to the Captain and make his way back to New Vulcan, back to his responsibilities. But a part of Surak's mind stayed behind with his son, shamed that there was nothing he could do to help.

Captain Kirk had been dealing with the Admiralty trying to do damage control. Admiral Pike offered his condolences to James and promised that he would take care of everything and that Kirk should go be with his family. And that is there was anything that he or Spock needed, he shouldn't hesitate to ask.

No one knew what to say. No one knew what to do. The bridge crew avoided the captain and the commander at all costs. What could they say?

'_Hey sorry you lost your kid; at least you still have one of them.' _

The entire Enterprise was feeling loss; they had all lost friends, loved ones. But no one felt grief like a Vulcan, and the bridge crew knew that. They just didn't know what to do.

Captain Kirk put Leonard to sleep, thankful, if there was anything to be thankful for at this moment, that Leo didn't know what was going on. He knew his sister wasn't around, but he didn't think anything drastic of it. He was a baby.

The Enterprise crew desperately just wanted to go home, but Starfleet's orvers were to stay on the Liberty until all discrepencies had been cleared up. It has been almost two months, and everyone is on edge.

Jim quietly walked into his temporary quarters to find Spock in the same place he'd been since he was discharged from sick bay. On the floor, meditating. It broke Jim's heart to see Spock like this, no matter how many times he told him that there was nothing more that could have been done, he still blames himself. And Jim doesn't know what that will do to their family.

Jim slowly made his way to Spock, stopped a foot away from him and sat down on his knees.

"Spock." Jim called out to his T'hy'la. There was no response. "Spock please talk to me. Spock I need you." He said in a cracked voice. He wanted to reach out to his Vulcan but he didn't think that the gesture would be reciprocated and Jim didn't think he could handle that. "Spock, what happened wasn't your fault; there was nothing that could have been done." Jim pleaded. But there was no use. Spock wasn't responding. Jim just nodded slightly and made his way to the bedroom and closed the door.

**ENTRY 2 DAY 58**

It had taken several doctors and a few nurses to restrain me. I was hysterical, nothing could consol me. I felt you, I can feel you now. How could they tell me that you were dead, that my daughter was gone when I could feel you in my mind? Father says that it is the echo of our bond, that my mind was damaged by your death the same way that his was with my mother.

Jim, my beloved, my Captain, I have never seen him in such pain before. Tears were streaming down his face as he held on to your brother, as if he was afraid he too would disappear. He says that there was nothing I could have done, but I do not believe him. This is coming from the man that did not believe in a no-win scenario. I cannot accept this. I will find you; I will not let you go.

**Stay safe, wherever you are.**


End file.
